Firstly, I'd wanna have a nice little chat with you gun enthusiasts out there, you 2nd Amendment fanboys. I swear to fuck, you're the brattiest fucking toerags in the multiverse, you're practically unrivaled. All you do is flip shit everyday because the government wants you to surrender a little bit of your collection. NONE OF YOU have any reason to own an assault weapon. Your only reason to own one boils down to some unnatural fetish you have for military-grade guns that aren't even necessary for basic protection needs. Every last one of you have been safeguarded at the expense of others, and now you're throwing a fit because we're asking you to give away only a small portion of your unnecessary armoury? What is wrong with you bloodthirsty fuckwits? I'm so irritated by you.
It's one of the most frustrating things ever to hear gun nuts in this country throw tantrums. "Oh woe is me. The government wants me to surrender my AR-15s. I'll go from owning 10 guns to 9. Whatever shall I do?" You're a bunch of fucking entitled pricks. You're gonna be fine. You're still strapped to the teeth with guns. How much is enough for you violent fucks? At what point do you say to yourself "You know, I have enough guns to protect my home as necessary. Maybe I'll chill out on my obsession with owning guns instead of buying enough to supply a strike force". But you never think that. You're too busy inventing scenarios in your head where you'll be disarmed and carted off to your death because something something Nazis were pro-gun control. Almost every single shooting that has been carried out in America since the Aurora theatre shooting was done so by use of an AR-15 and similar weapons. And the moment any politician proposed regulating gun ownership, you bloodthirsty bell-ends cried all the way to the doorstep of the NRA so they can lobby to let you keep guns that you realistically don't even fucking need whilst mothers grieved the deaths of their teenage children. To me, that's just plain evil.
I've had it up to here with you entitled pendejos, so my first order of business is to prohibit the sale of assault weapons without a legitimate excuse. You wanting to own a weapon capable of mowing down a crowd of 50 people in minutes out of your sci-fi fantasies is not amongst these excuses. You gun owners claim that the only way to stop a bad guy with a gun is a good guy with a gun. Well in America, we have a gun violence incidents every bloody week. Where the fuck are these good guys with guns? It's infuriating, for real. The good guy with a gun narrative doesn't exist. Even those brave souls who do genuinely return fire at mass shooters as the carnage is happening are the exceptions, not the norm. Gun culture gives me a fucking headache. These gun nuts don't care about you, not in the abstract. Now gun ownership is not without its merits. It can provide security to those who feel they can't protect themselves otherwise. With all that firepower you gun nuts have stashed away, you could arm women, black people, trans people, anyone who's a prime target for hate crimes and help them live to see another day. Do you really think safety is achieved by keeping these weapons of war tucked in your closet or wherever all your life, only to come out when you wanna shoot empty beer cans? Of fucking course not, you know no one is safer this way. But you don't really care do you? You're only in it for yourselves. And don't get me started on the racism aspect because you know for a fact that if it were a black woman being shot dead by police for merely exercising her second amendment rights, ustedes would be more silent than a library after the apocalypse.
I'm tired of fragile white men with zero personality outside of owning guns pretending shooting people is a core value of America. I couldn't care less about your sponsorships or any NRA stickers, I'm not gonna bow to you because I don't care if I get re-elected. I'll spend my 4 years in office doing the public a service and putting you selfish gun nuts in your fucking place for letting the public be in danger. Just try whining about the assault rifle prohibition gun nuts, see where that gets you. My next step will be to put you in jail for owning one. Don't test me.
My second plan, and I mean like immediately after, would be reforming women's self-defence in this country. We demand women take full responsibility for their own safety when police action is not possible and then we punish them for using it? What the hell kinda backwards thinking is that? It's insane the logic we use here. Abusers killing their wives? Getting slaps on the wrists and often times escaping jail altogether. White supremacists who kill minorities? Escaping justice. Cops who kill unarmed civilians? Pretty much getting pats on the back the whole way. I don't get this society. By doing this, we only discourage anyone from taking measures to protect themselves since it's obvious they'll be treated like the bad guy for not letting themselves fucking die. So I would give a full presidential pardon to any woman who's been imprisoned for killing an abuser or any other attacker who made her fear for her life. I don't care how long you were sentenced, if you're in there for killing in self-defence, you're going the fuck home and I fully apologise that you were even there in the first place.
This system is so fucking broken. Self-defence is an imperative method for survival. And instead of condoning and encouraging it, we let the predators and the evil ones feel safer and get away with harming the innocent. All we do by punishing those who were protecting themselves leads to is more innocent people dying. Haven't you people found it odd that you're getting fucked over?
So I'm gonna be clearing the prisons of all the women who are in there for justifiable homicides, and then I'm gonna fill them back up with the slimeballs who should actually be in there. That's right, I'm talking about rapists. Rapists are literally living among you. These obviously predatory people are silently preying on civilians everyday, and only 2% of them ever see a day behind bars. What the holy hell people? You see what happens when you never make people face the consequences for their actions? The threat they pose continues and sometimes gets stronger. You have to give these people what they deserve. You need to show these gross pieces of shit to everyone and expose them for the scum that they are. Which is why I'll propose a new crackdown by giving civilians reasonable authority to deal with rapists by the means at hand. We'll clean up the streets of these bastards one day at a time and no longer take their deeds lying down. I'd do what no other president in history has ever done, and that is make rapists face consequences. It's a disgrace how no president has ever had the stones to do this. It really shows you where their interests lie doesn't it?
And also, I just have to ask: what the everlasting hell is wrong with the public? You all do realise that your own lives are in danger by letting these rapists run around without consequences right? They're endangering the lives of everyone around you right under your noses and you don't even care? You disappoint me and need to get your priorities in check.
My next target is the church. By some accounts, the church takes in 170 billion USD in revenue annually. That's absolutely batshit insane. What the hell do churches need all that money for? It's not like they're using it for anything. And isn't it a sin to horde wealth? Sounds like they're not even taking their own advice. My proposition for this is to tax churches by 30%. That may seem like a lot, but even by then the church would still be much richer than they need to be. If they cannot survive by living on just enough for them to be set forever, then maybe the entire institution needs to be supplanted.
And once we've taken care of taxing churches, reforming women's self-defence, and prohibiting assault rifles, we can focus on other matters, like immigration. There can be no freedom where humans are illegal. Name me one genuinely rock solid reason why immigration is a huge problem that doesn't boil down to a subconscious prejudice against brown people. Chances are, you won't find one. That's why I'd draft legislation to start open borders in this country. No more immigration police, no more 90 day visas, fuck them. Immigration should not be as complicated as America has made it to be. If you're coming here for a new life, nothing should stand in your way. I'll even strengthen citizenship processes to ensure immigrants who choose to live here permanently can be American citizens faster than before. No one should have to wait 3 to 5 years to finally be considered a member of this society. For real, if it's been more than like 6 months, chances are they're not going anywhere.
And speaking of things that should be available and easy, so should housing. It's genuinely confusing as to how much every administration has dragged its feet in the mud in solving the homelessness problem in this country. We have a homeless population of 554,000 and tripled that amount in available houses. What the hell are we waiting for? No one should have to fight over finding a house. This country has all the resources to ensure homelessness and poverty never exist and we just let it go to waste so billionaire scumbags can line their own pockets with it. Not on my watch. And so with all the money we get and save by taxing churches, I'll start socialised public housing for everyone in this country, all fully maintained and insured so you never have to worry about losing everything in the event something goes wrong. We can help abused women and children, college students, and the homeless find shelter without having to wait in line. Now if you still want to buy these huge houses and pay thousands in mortgage, go right ahead, doesn't matter to me. But if you can't afford that and need a place to live due to certain circumstances, the government will help you as necessary. We will set up all sorts of housing choices, apartments or houses, whichever you want at the price that's right for you. Housing should be a right for every person. I'll make sure you get it.
I'm Madame President Kristal Colt and I love every single one of you little bastards. I'm honoured to bring this country to greatness, and liberty and justice for all (except Fortnite gamers).
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